What's Love Got to do With It

2006-05-08T23:48:00.000-04:00

• An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of "ruining the friendship."

• Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking.

• If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

• Just because you like to lead doesn't mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.

• "Hey, let's meet at so-and-so's party/any bar/friend's house" is not a date. Even if you live in New York.

• Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.

• You are good enough to be asked out.

These were all excerpts from one of my favorite books.
So I just got through watching Sex in the City (one of the best shows ever!) This particular episode spawned the book entitled "He's Just Not That Into You" by By Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Ladies, if you've never read this book I make a strong suggestion that you do.
It is freeing and empowering as well as HILARIOUS!! Many times it is hard for females to get the point. We make excuses for men, we scheme and plot on how to snag Mr. Perfect. NEWSFLASH, Mr. Perfect doesn't exist! The book is full of insight into the female mind and it sheds light on the excuses we make for men. It isn’t always easy to admit, but at the end of the day, regardless of what has happened, if he’s just not that into then guess what? HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Another excerpt from the book

Since I've been implementing Greg's handy-dandy "he's just not that into you" philosophy, I've been feeling surprisingly more powerful. Because if the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There's no scheming and plotting. And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We're fantastic.

Mistakes

2006-05-07T09:29:00.000-04:00

Mistakes
If I could go back in time
If only life would let me rewind
Constantly on my mind
Thinking of what could have been mine

I am infamous for making mistakes. And not those ‘opps I put too much butter on my toast mistakes.’ More like ‘opps we convicted the wrong person mistakes.’ Those life long, life changing, go straight to jail do not pass go, do not collect $200, type mistakes. Those type of mistakes you can’t explain. You can’t really say why you did what you did.

You ever want to meet someone who has the ability to ruin a good thing, holla at me. Because I am the Queen of mistakes, yet never the princess of regret. I accept the consequences of my actions, and I realize that when I make bad decisions I force other people to react. So I can’t blame him for moving on, because I would too.

But through the years I have learned that timing is everything. Whether it is traffic, a pizza in the oven, a dance routine or an alarm clock….when it comes to life, time is king. It seems like everything in life revolves around perfecting your timing. At any point in time a bad decision made at the right time may turn out to more beneficial than making a great decision at the wrong time.

I say all of that to say:

My timing is always off.

Suspicious

2006-04-15T09:49:00.000-04:00

She’s so suspicious
Always weary of being the other mistress
This situation lacks trust,
And mistrust leads to distrust
Which leaves no room for us
Or better yet no room for me
I strain my eyes trying to see
These fallacies surround me like the branches of a tree
And here I stand like little Ms. Johnny apple seed
Planting the suspicious seed for the tree of the misconceived
Waiting to be deceived
Even though there is no deceit to see
Something is telling me
That-it-is-there

If you seek you shall find
And in my mind
I already know the answer is the same as mine
It has to be
There are no other possibilities
I don’t question his love for me
But there is more to this situation than my eyes can see
But this isn’t up for debate or discussion
I know my suspicions will lead to destruction
About the consequences I don’t care
Because I feel it, I know that-it-is-there

Call it woman’s intuition
Some may say that I am making it my mission
That my expectation will eventually answer my own question
Instead of the revealing the truth
I can’t seem to find my way through

And no one seems to understand it when I say
We are so close in my heart yet so far away
How can you love someone but never believe a word that they say
This situation is lacking substance all around
My soul is gasping for air with no help to be found
Everyday questions arise
And I search for the answer in his eyes
Yet, I see nothing

Love without trust means nothing
Something like feeling without touching
Having a saying with no meaning
Having an ending with no beginning
It just doesn’t make sense
There’s gotta be more to it than this
Yet the harder I look it seems like the more I miss

Picture this:
When I think about it….I feel it
And when I don’t think about it...I feel it more
And the more I feel, the more I grow suspicious
That I am nothing more than...his other mistress

Over Rated?

2006-02-06T16:08:00.000-05:00

FYI: This school thing, this whole college experience, at this point and time is soooooo over rated!

Long Time

2006-01-26T12:42:00.000-05:00

Long long long time no type….I know I know…I have no viable excuse for
my hiatus besides pure and unadulterated laziness. I spent 3 weeks in
California, which was pure heaven on earth. But fast forwarding to the
present, is it me has 2006 started off as one of the most bizarre
years? So I guess we'll work backwards from the most recent events in
my life.

No Future in Ya Fronti'
Yesterday, Mr. Aggressive decides that he wants to be on my good side.
He comes through, introduces me to his best-friend, parades me around
for the friend, exploits my intelligence, piggy-back on all the 'great
things about me' all for the sake of making himself look better in
front of his friend….like "let's parade the little black Howard girl
around." Let us keep in mind this is the same guy who ignored my phone
calls for a week, cussed me out in the club, and told me that not only
was I disrespectful but that I was acting like (and forgive me for my
paraphrasing here) but basically that I was acting something close to
the average club whore. Now granted 10 years from now when I am
otherwise involved with some star athlete or the Black Bill Gates I
will have no problem being the philanthropist, charity, token wife but
as for now and as for Mr. Aggressive, I don't think so. The fakin' got
so bad I had to turn to his best friend and say "I don't know why he's
acting like this, because Mr. Aggressive here doesn't even like
me!"…ouch, I know the truth hurts. But please please don't fake in
front of your friends like we are living happily ever after like
Beauty and the Beast.

Hummm….Not that into you?
So on from Mr. Aggressive, to Mr. Evasive. After our
happy-hour-night-on-the-town last week he took a major hiatus and I
didn't hear from him for a few days short of a full week. Now, the
question I pose to the general public and probably more so to myself
is, how into me can a guy be if you only hear from him every two or
three days. Now maybe I am old school and so use to jumping into
things head first, but what happen to the "I find you so irresistible
I need to talk to you at least once a day." Now pre-
happy-hour-night-on-the-town I was pretty luke warm about him so
talking to him every couple of days was no biggie, but post our night
out my attraction to him has jumped 100% and now I find myself wanting
him in high demand. I really like him but don't want to come off as
the 'needy-clingy-I-want-you' type girl so instead I am playing it
cool and acting nonchalant when I don't hear from him. But I guess the
real issue here is how into me is he? Inquiring minds want to know.

Throwback…literally
Back tracking one more step, I once a long long blog time ago was head
over heels for a guy (well call him Freeway, don't ask…lol!) Anyways,
8 months into this 'situation' I found out he had wooed another girl
and that they were officially boy/girl-friend for 3 months out of the
time that I was otherwise involved with him. Anyways, to make a long
and exaggerated story short, I found out that they are now engaged!
Ouch! That has got to hurt…believe me, it does. What is to be said
about being the girl that he cheated on and now he's changed and is
marrying the other woman. No one ever wants to be the last girlfriend
before the engagement. It makes it seem like you aren't the marrying
type. We all make that excuse that he's too immature to be married or
that maybe he just didn't want to be in a relationship but when he up
and proposes to the next girl he dates, it kinda makes you wonder. You
know what I mean? Either way, it was a shock. But God Bless the soul
of a woman who could deal with such an egotistical man 'til death do
them part'…lol!!

As for the rest of my life, it is going as well as a last-semester,
freaking-out, desperate-for-a-job-offer,
turning-22-and-approaching-a-quarter-life-crisis can.

I got to learn to let it go....

2005-12-07T13:32:00.000-05:00

"How many ways can I say that I hate you?
How many days will it take for me to shake you?"

Why is letting go of past relationships so hard? Its so weird to me
how some people I can get over, forget, and move on from so easily
while there are those others that I will never forget and some that I
think I am still not over.

For example, there was this guy that I met at 7-Eleven this summer. We
talked for a month and he finally convinced me that we should go out
on a date. I was hesitant because he had a lot of baggage and a shaky
past but despite my apprehension I went out with him anyway. And hands
down, no questions about it, this was the best date I had ever been
on. We bowled which was a great fun and easy way to relax the "first
date" jitters. We ate at my favorite restaurant (you know me...fat
girl at heart) and the conversation was on point. Then we took a walk
along the river and then went to a bar on the water and sat in the
cool night air and talked some more. But despite these fond memories
of the man, I only called him once after the date and that was just to
say thank you. I don't think about him much and actually dodged a
couple of his phone calls after the date. I don't know why, he was
really really cute, had a great personality, but I was just NOT that
into him. And he will go down as nothing more than
that-guys-who's-name-I-can't-remember-but-he-took-me-on-the-greatest-date-ever.

But then there are those ones that I can't seem to forget and the
closest we've probably come to a date was watching a movie in my room.

So what is it about the men who work themselves into my blood stream
and make me an addict to the sound of their voice, a fiend for their
touch, and a fanatic of their name. I look back and realize that half
of the men that I can't let go of weren't worth my time and attention
anyway. And the few that were still aren't worth it. These lingering
emotions, fantasies of past perfection, and unrealistic ideals of what
once was are not doing anything but hindering me from my future
blessings.

"God can't land you new blessing if your runway is backed up"

I got to learn to let it go....

Things I've Learned in 2005 (so far)

2005-11-26T09:13:00.000-05:00

The Comeback

*Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years*

I could lie and say that I've been busy and that I have so much to do and that's why I have abandoned my post but in actuality I've just been avoiding writing. Like most people who write blogs I put a lot of who I am into writing each and every post in an attempt to give readers a chance to get to know who I really am, and lately life has thrown me so many curve balls that I find it impossible to keep up and write (type) it all down.

The last time we were here together in this forum we were exploring different emotions. This was my way of dealing with different things that I was feeling and that I had going on in my life. And the funny part about it all is that here I am a whole month later and I am still dealing with some of the same issues with some of the same people. But I am determined to get over it all before the n New Year because I always like to start off a new year fresh.

So today I want to review.....

THE THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN 2005 (so far)

1. Never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love.

2. God made men and women equal and whole individuals. So stop looking for someone to complete you and instead look for your equal.

3. Its funny because when you stop looking that is when you find exactly what you've been waiting for the entire time.

4. Live by your own rules. Don't try to measure up to someone elses criteria because you will always fall short.

5. True strength comes from within.

6. A lot of people mistake my kindness for blindness and they shouldn't.

7. Men lie and so do women. Women are just better at not getting caught.

8. You gotta live life by the motto "No reciprocity" which means doing something good for someone and expecting nothing in return.

9. The bad times are so much easier to remember than the good times.

10. Hindsight is always 20/20.

11. Real friends are hard to come by.

12. Love makes you dumb.

13. Change is inevitable. Embrace change and jump forward at every opportunity.

14. What is done in the dark will always come to the light.

15. You can never be happy in a relationship unless you are happy with yourself.

16. Nice guys don't finish last they just choose the wrong girls.

17. Things don't always work out the way you plan them to...duh!!

18. Blackplanet, myspace, facebook and blogs are addicting.

19. There are even cliques on the internet. It is natural for people to group themselves together and try isolate their group from others in an attempt to distinguish themselves from others and therefore make themselves feel unique.

20. Dating is fun!

21. Girls are dumb but women are even dumber.

22. Family is priceless.

23. People will take you for granted only if you let them. They never know what they have until its gone.

24. Summer is definitely my season. And red is definitely my color (or maybe brown is...hummm...who know?)

25. I don't know how I lived before I got my sidekick.

26. I'm a bitch (in a good way and a bad)

TO BE CONTINUED

Guilty of abandonment

2005-11-17T11:37:00.000-05:00

"You have been charged with abandonment and neglect. How do you plead?"

Your honor,
I plead no contest!

I swear I'm coming back to the blog world sometime soon.....

"The Comeback" coming soon.....

How do you KNOW? Exploration of Emotions Part 2

2005-10-16T08:52:00.000-04:00

“If it’s wrong then why does it feel this good, and if it is right then why does it hurt this bad?”

How do you know when you know something?

This is a classic question. At what point, at what moment in time, at what instance do you realize that whatever it is that you think you KNOW you actually do know. Some say you KNOW something when you can teach it to someone else. And in theory that is a very good bench mark to gauge from, because if I KNOW how to ride a bike and I teach you how to ride one, I guess that means that I can officially without a doubt say that I KNOW how to ride a bike. But in the real world (the one that I live in at least) things are just never that clear cut.

How do you KNOW that what your feeling is real? How do you KNOW that he’s just not that into you? How do you KNOW you are in love? How do you KNOW when it is time to move on? How do you KNOW when you are in lust? How is it that you KNOW without a shadow of a doubt anything?

How do you know right from wrong? Ethics is such a big part of the business world, but no one can give a universally clear definition of what is ethically right or wrong. So how do you KNOW when you have crossed the right side and entered into that ever present wrong area?

Do you KNOW something because it feels right? But what is in a feeling? I mean, I wake up in the morning and feel like I can take on the world and within that same 24 hours I feel completely defeated and broken by life’s ups and downs and realize that I don’t really know anything. I mean, I feel a million different ways about the same person everyday, so how do I KNOW which one of those feelings is real?

I guess the point is about opportunity cost, the things that you give up when you make a decision. How do you KNOW what is the right decision to make? How do you KNOW what job you should take? How do you KNOW that you’ve made the right decision? I mean sure, there is some point in the future where you can look back on a decision that you’ve made and in hindsight say to yourself “I KNOW that was the right decision.” I mean I do it all the time. I look back on some of my decisions and I say to myself and to anyone else who will listen that I made the right decision just based on a positive outcome. But who is to say that another decision would have not had a greater outcome for me in my life.

Back to my original question, of how do you KNOW when you KNOW something? I guess the emotional side of this conversation is to explore how you KNOW what your feeling is really how you feel? Confused…well welcome to my world. At this point I don’t even know my left from my right and I find myself questioning every thing that I feel and do. So maybe I guess I don’t KNOW much and maybe I never will……

And I think my real point here is that the harder part is not figuring out what you do or don’t KNOW but realizing that the real fear comes from not KNOWing….not knowing whether or not your decisions were the right ones. Not KNOWing whether or not it is love or lust. Not knowing whether or not this is wrong or right….because if it’s wrong then why does it feel this good, and if it is right then why does it hurt this bad.

Not KNOWing is harder…..Not KNOWing is definitely harder

To Love or To Hate- Exploring Emotions Part1

2005-10-13T11:25:00.000-04:00

A classic poem, however harsh it may seem, it is true nonetheless:

"Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But Hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can
Love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art."

Don't get the wrong idea, I don't hate anyone right now, I don't have the time or energy that is required. Although, I have been in a hate mood before. I have been so enraged with the state of the world that I have been driven to say on more than one occasion, "I HATE….(fill in with any random person/place/or thing).

But recently I have been driven to explore these concepts and being the academic assassin that I am, it has led me to analyze What is Love, and What is Hate?

Let's really explore these two words, love and hate. Dictionary.com defines hate as: Intense animosity or dislike; hatred.

While it defines love as: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude.

They always say that there is a thin line between the two. So the question is what are the similarities?

Well, both love and hate are extreme emotions. Both involve some intense and deep feeling for some person/place/or thing. Both require a lot of time and energy to maintain. Both include two parties, either the love and the lover or the hater and the hatee. (Ha! Hatee? What is that? I love making up new words) Anyways, both are not necessarily two way streaks. Because you can hate someone and they not hate you, or better yet you can love someone and they can not love you back. Both are often misused. Neither is really fully understood by anyone except those who are doing the loving and the hating. Both are hard to explain. Neither has a time limit, because you can love a person forever and vice versa for hate or hate and love both can go as quickly as they come. Both are often misused and over-used (I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the amount of times I have personally misused these two words.) Both can cause confusion with all involved individuals. Both can be applied to inanimate objects, because I can both love and hate those shoes your wearing right now. There is both self-love and self-hatred. And finally, although I am sure there is a boat load more, people do crazy things in both the name of love and hate.

Differences? Hummm….thinking.. scratching forehead.. contemplating.. HA! The only difference I see between hate and love is that one is seen as positive and one is seen as negative and therefore the actions taken by someone in love are perceived differently than those who hate (to some extent).

Some believe that hate is the absence of love, because where there is love surely there can be no hate right? I mean if these two emotions are suppose to reside on opposite ends of the "how I am feeling" spectrum, then really they can not coincide with one another. So really think about it the next time you say that you love someone, because in actuality that may just be hate disguised. There's a quote that says "You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul."

In conclusion I have decided that I will just have to be satisfied with hating to love the things in my life…

It’s weird how things never turn out the way you expect them to….

2005-10-12T13:48:00.000-04:00

"It's weird how things never turn out the way you expect them to…."

I think those were the last words I remember him saying even though
they probably weren't the last ones he said. Things never turn out how
you expect them to? WTF…how did you expect things to turn out, when
you hightail it and become involved with another woman. When you
turned your back on our friendship, disregarded my feelings, coupled
that with a jar full of lies and jumped ship without notice. How were
things suppose to turn out when you kept your mouth shut and let
emotions fester.

Well I say to him, hell yeah its easier to see things in hindsight.
Its always easier to say what should have been done compared to saying
what could be done. It will always be much easier to dictate the past
then to predict the future. So instead of dwelling on what could,
should, or would happen if I or him did and/or didn't do certain
things I have decided to move on and explore other options. My new
philosophy: women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake
whole relationships.

I think...therefore, I'm single.

So my life, this little life of mine, has been shaken, turned upside,
and spilled all over the floor. I will spare you all the graphic
details but lets just say it's weird how things never turn out the way
you expect them to…

But on a brighter note, a blast from the past whom I have mentioned
multiple times on this very blog, was back in the states for a brief
moment and I got to spend 2 glorious hours on the phone with him. It
was my biggest dream realized. I hope that one day I can find someone
who I connect with so well. And even though I finally realize that he
may not be the one that I spend the rest of my life with, I hope my
husband comes as close as possible.

Quote for the week:

A woman's heart should be so close to God's that a man has to seek Him
to find her.

Cry Me a River, Build Me a Bridge and Get Over It

2005-10-05T23:36:00.000-04:00

Cry Me a River, Build Me a Bridge and Get Over It? Easier said than done. Throughout my life, this has been one of the hardest concepts for me to grasp. Throughout my academic career, through Applied Calculus, Quantitative Business Analysis, and any other upper level classes where the name of the class is harder to pronounce then some of the concepts, through all of these trials, tribulations, and lessons learned this has got to be the hardest one for me to grasp.

And it is not just in relationships that it is difficult for me to apply this to, it extends to many different aspects of my life. For instance, I need to get over the fact that in 6th grade who I thought was my best friend turned around and stabbed in the back just one short year later. I need to get over the fact that through my entire basketball career I could count the number of games my mom came to on one hand. I need to get over a lot of things but I can't.

More recently I find that it is hardest for me to get over men. Not just any man, but those few and infrequent men that charge into my life like a wild fire and leave a blazing trial of unforgettable devastation across my heart. You know the ones that come in to your life and spark that flame in your heart. The thought of him puts a smile on your face, being around him is the equivalent of pure bliss and the way he says your name sends chills up your spine. And then you turn around a month and a few days of his lies later and you forgot what it was that use to make you smile, you begin to wish for those days of chills up your spine and long for the days of bliss. Well, thats me wishing and longing for things long gone, holding on to any small insignificant ray of hope that things will get better. Any petite indication of a turn around to betetr days. It could be as simple as an email or as little as a phone call, but just any sign that he still cares.

Sooo....it is time. The inevitable has come. It is time to let go. Subconsciously, underneath it all and unknown to my deepest levels of unconsciousness I have been unknowingly harboring feelings of resentment for all the men in both my past and present. The built up resentment has manifested inself in the form of bitterness and it has grown as a wall around my heart preventing my growth and development. So as a way of moving on, here on this public forum, I am putting it out there and letting it all go. I will, from here on out, no longer harbor ill feelings towards those in my past that have done any type of unintentional or intentional ill will towards me. I ask that God give me the strength to forgive but not forget because experience comes from lessons learned from mistakes. I hope by letting go I can make room to become a better person.....

Food for Thought: If it is wrong then it shouldn't feel this good, and if it is right then why does it hurt so bad?

If a Man Wants You

2005-10-04T11:35:00.000-04:00

One of my good friends sent me the following email and I figured it was definitely blog worthy. Read, enjoy, and learn....

If a Man Wants You!!

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships... there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him -- he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. (Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!)

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone smile, another re-think her choices, and another woman prepare. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Rejection is direction

2005-10-04T01:19:00.000-04:00

There I am...middle section, second row, fourth seat from the right. Dressed in my Sundays best even though it was the middle of the week. It was revival week and my favorite Bishop all the way from California was there. And I just knew he had a word for me on this mid-week mission. And it was there in that middle section, second row, in that fourth seat from the left that was the beginning of my end. So he starts preaching and I'm feeling it, he says "REJECTION is DIRECTION" and I'm like "Yeah!" he says, "Turn to your neighbor and tell them, if you aint the one God intended for me, reject me so I can move on!" and I'm feeling it, and I am shoutin amen, I am clapping, and pointing, yelling "you better preach it preacher! Reject me! Let me move on! Direct me lord!" and before that night was over, before I could forget about what I heard in that middle section, second row, sitting and shouting in that fourth seat from the left, before the last reminiscence of make-up was rubbed off my face that night and before my head could hit the pillow...I found myself involuntarily REJECTED and headed in a new direction.

I can still here his voice as the tears silently rolled down my face, "I love you but...part of me wants to be with you forever but I can't..." Those were his words and that was the day I will remember as I walk down the aisle, it is the day that I will recount to my baby girl the first time she comes crying to auntie about a broken heart. He was the one that I came so close to loving and he walked away from it all.

So the question becomes is rejection really direction, and if so where is it leading me to. In hindsight it is easy for me to say that I am grateful for those spiritual words spoken to me that night, and that I am even more grateful that God was swift and removed me from that situation. But that night, as I lay on my pillow with tears in my eyes, a broken heart, and pain that shook my soul, rejection was the last direction that I wanted to be headed down.

So now, here I am, over a year later at a new crossroads, me and one of my air force "friends" of at least 8 months whom I use to talk to more than twice a day aren't even on speaking terms, me and the poem writer are beyond reconciliation, my first love is off fighting a war that I don't believe in and I can't even get up the courage to write him an email of kind words afraid of who knows what, me and another random are slowly drifting apart, and my king is off seeking another queen.

But they say "rejection is direction," and a new direction has to be good...right? The grass has to be greener on that other side. It is here tonight where I find those same words haunting me, and looming over my shoulder. Yesterday, I sat in the first section, second to last row, 3rd seat from the right, and another preacher that has spoken many a kind and revealing word into my life said "you have to let things go, embrace sacrifice, give up some things that you know are not good for you but that you just don't want to let go. Give them all up and the Lord will bless you with more than your heart can desire." So as I lay here tonight, contemplating where I go from here I am reminded of that fateful revival and wonder what direction is this rejection going to push me in now....

He asked but never answered Part 2

2005-09-22T12:02:00.000-04:00

WAIT BEFORE YOU READ THIS READ PREVIOUS POST!!!

Okay....so the saga continues. Bloggers He asked (mr poem writer
himself) but he never answered. So I answered for him. I got fed up and
sent him an email (I know I broke down) Read the following to see what I
sent him.

"So after deep thought and contemplation, after hours of deliberation
and meditation, I was struck with a revelation....

I am her. I am that girl that I claimed I would never be. I have become
that one. And no matter how many times I have seen it before, that
didn't stop me at all from following in those same footsteps as the
girls before me who I jeered at and criticized for their lack of
insight, for their weaknesses, lack of back bone, and their incapability
to see people for who they really are. I am that girl, this is the girl
you've made me to be. The sad part is I knew this from the start. I knew
all of this from the very beginning, but instead I turned my cheek the
other way. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and
over and expecting the different results. Well, when it comes to you, I
must be insane. Because I find myself doing the same things over and
over again when it comes to my love life and keep expecting a different
result. I keep finding these men that I know are "just not that into me"
yet I refuse to let go. Sure I may not call them, write or email them,
but I harbor these feelings and keep them bottled up inside until they
manifest in the form of bitterness and resentment."

"I must be a fool...this whole time that I've known you all I ever asked
for was openness and honesty and in return I would give you my all. And
instead you continue to turn your back on me and leave me wondering what
I did wrong or what it is about me that makes you incapable of opening
up to me. Well, no longer will I wonder, no longer will I use clever
basketball analogies to relate to you how I feel, no longer will I
harbor these feelings of hope that things between us will change, no
longer do I think one day you'll wake up and realize just how great of a
prize I am. I'm done."

"And I know that answering 5 little questions may require time and
energy that you do not have but I won't wait for you to answer.....below
you will find my answers to my own questions."

1 and 2. No, I have never lied to you. I have no reason or desire to
ever tell you a lie.

3. Yeah, I probably need to move on, erase your numbers, email, and
screenname, and forget you ever existed. But some things are easier said
then done.

4. No, you don't live by the concept "actions speak louder than words".
You SAY you care but your ACTIONS say something completely different.

5. If someone were to ask me to define our friendship I would tell them,
"Me and him had the potential to be something great but he couldn't
learn to trust me enough to open and let me get to know the real him,
but regardless I care about him a lot although I would never tell him
that"

He Asked Me to Ask Him

2005-09-17T09:16:00.000-04:00

He Asked Me to Ask Him

So I get an email the other day from "him" (the same one that wrote the poem for me). Anyways, it said the following:

"ASK ME ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can ask me 1-5 questions... ANYTHING YOU WANT, No matter how personal, inappropriate, or random. I promise to answer the questions 100% truthfully. Repost this and see what people want to ask YOU...."
So of course, me being the ever so clever smart ass that I am couldn't pass up this opportunity. What would you ask? If you were me, what would you do. Read the following to see my response (and just for the record I haven't received a response)...........

"Any question I want answered I could have answered...hummmm what a concept. This must be my birthday or an early Christmas present. This is like finding a magic lamp on the street and a genie popping out and declaring that I get three wishes. I mean really, who would know what to wish for. Hummm...I mean world peace would be nice but then what would I watch on the evening news every night."

"Anyways, I'm clearly getting way off topic. The surprising thing is there is no pertinet pressing questions that I am dying to ask you. (*gasp* I know its shocking right?) I mean at this point half of me is like "who cares, its obvious he has moved on and so should I" I mean, that same half of me feels like I'm Shaq and you are the LA Lakers and you just traded me to another team just to keep some half ass player like Kobe happy, but in the long run I know just like the Shaq, I'm going to be in the championship while you and your sorry ass star player are at home watching me compete for the title. Ha, your loss not mine."

"Then the other half of me, the sensitive, emotionally driven Pisces in me stops and thinks "damn it there are some questions that I want answered." But where do I start? Well, after a full day of work, a full afternoon of meetings, and a night full of homework, I finally found a spare moment and I sat down and thought what I would ask you if I truly believed you would give me the complete and honest truth. So here I go and feel free to answer all or none of the following questions and take your time because I would prefer detailed HONEST answers seeing as how these are pretty complex and detailed questions."

1. Have you ever lied to me?

2. If you have ever lied, when, about what and why? (Name as many as you can remember, if not at least the top 3)

3. If you were me, and take your time and honestly answer this next question, if you were me what would you do next? Would you let go , forget you ever met me and move on? Please explain.

4. The saying goes "actions speak louder than words." Do you feel like this applies to you and how you deal with me? And if so, how? And if no, why not?

5. What would you do for a klondike bar. Ha...lol...okay nah for real #5 if someone asked you to describe our "friendship", how would you describe it?

"I can handle the truth, can you handle giving it to me?"

Triple threat

2005-09-08T19:56:00.000-04:00

Triple Threat

SBW! Gasp! Did you just say SBW? I swear this must be the newest addition to derogatory language. And I like so many of my fellow bloggers have decided that this "SBW" will be my own personal contribution to Mr. Webster and his dictionary. When in the presence of an SBW, never look directly at it for any large amount of time. Don't make any sudden moves or make any sudden noises that might cause aggravation...

At this point I am sure you are wondering what a is SBW? Well when I say SBW I am referring to a Strong Black Woman...a triple threat...if as a woman you happen to possess these lethal combinations you are sure to be alone, manless, hated on, sterotyped, and cast into every mans list of things to avoid, right under prostate exams. Its not bad enough that we face pressures everyday from society and catch flak for being a woman but to top it off we are being subjected by what is suppose to be our better halves to a hot and heavy back lash aimed at destroying the last of a dying breed known as the SBW or better known as the independent woman. No longer in need of a man to support us, independent, with our own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs we have now become something like the black plague that every man should avoid. Am I the only one going through this? Because if I am than excuse me for my random outburst.

Why is it that being a strong black woman is equated with with bitterness and anger. And to be a strong white woman is definitely different and not comparable to being a strong black woman, and by the way it is a completely different story. Being a strong black woman carries a negative connotation. Why? Please someone enlighten me. Until then I will sit in my glass cage and wave at the passer bys who have come to visit me at the zoo, seeing as how I have quickly become an endangered species.

My name is Clueless and I am a SBW, a strong black woman, the last of a dying breed.

Ode to Me

2005-09-04T20:50:00.000-04:00

I read another bloggers entry where they wrote a letter to themselves...say what? Yes I said they wrote a letter to themselves, a letter where the grown up them wrote a letter to the 20 year them 15 years ago. Lost? Oh well anyways, I've decided I don't want to wait 15 years to tell my 21 year old self all the things that I know but refuse to accept, recognize, and change so at the sake of sounding a tad bit insane here is a letter I wrote to myself, I've read it feel free to do the same.

Clueless, you go girl! The little scrappy tomboy athlete from the back desert land of the inland empire has cocooned and blossomed into a vivacious, lively, beautiful young college student only months away from completing what almost no one in your family has. Koodoos to you hun. You made it, here you are, now what are you going to do with it.
Newsflash...you don't have it all, you don't know it all, and although this may come as a startling revelation your opinion in most cases don't matter because at the end of the day they are just that...YOUR OWN opinion.

You are not as strong as you think. And no matter how much you try to deny it, you need help, you need support, you need love and companionship. No amount of money, no accomplishments, degrees, friends or achievements will replace the space in your heart that God has made just fit for love. You have built walls around your heart for whatever reason and it is time to tear them down and let yourself be free.

Let go of your ego and stop letting your pride get in the way. Open your mind and learn to accept people for who they are. Your not perfect and you can't expect anyone else to be something your not. Yeah, your grown but you have so much more growing up to do. Live like there's no tomorrow and love like you've never been hurt.
This is your wake up call because clearly you are clueless and it is time that you get a clue.

Hard Times Make the Good Times Better

2005-09-02T10:33:00.000-04:00

From boys to men, from work to school, from California to DC, my life is crazy ya'll. And by the looks of it, it is not going to get any less hectic anytime soon. But this is what I live for, this is what I thrive off of, challenges and hard times which make the good times just that much better.

Back to the Basics

2005-08-31T09:30:00.000-04:00

Long long long time no write! Bloggers I missed you all! Ha but I'm back from a well needed vacation. School is back in session and as usual when summer ends so does my love life....If u can call it that...no more serial dating for me. It is back to the basics..work, school, and food..ha! Ill be sure to make updates accordingly and in that order.

Good-byes are never Easy

2005-08-17T14:35:00.000-04:00

I've had to say good-bye to a lot of people in my life. I had to say good-bye to my grandpa in '91, when he passed away. I had to say good-bye to my basketball career after I graduated from high school. I had to say good-bye to my mom when I packed up and trucked it across the nation to come to school. I had to say good-bye to my best-friends the first summer after my freshmen year (only to return 4 months later....lol..how lame am I?) I had to say good-bye to my first love when he went to Korea for a year. And in a year I am going to have say good-bye to my college years and all the great memories I have built here.

I hate good-byes they are so...ummm...I dunno, they just seem so incomplete. There are always things that you want to say but don't, things that you need to say but can't, and saying good-bye is like sealing your fate and searing shut your opportunity to say all those things that you never got a chance to say.

And I guess in a way I shouldn't dread good-byes, because in fact they are just the hello's to the future and the opening of the door to endless possibilities of things to come.

Today I sent out my goodbye email to all my co-workers at my internship. Friday will mark the end of my two summer journey here at this wonderful establishment. And even though it may not seem like it, I love these people. So in only true Clueless fashion I drafted this delightful email and decided to share with the blogging world. Enjoy!

Thank You and Goodbye

Unfortunately for you and me the time has come for me to depart from this wonderful establishment. My time here has been long but enjoyable (maybe too long and too enjoyable depending on who you ask). And despite the gleam in some of your eyes and the wide smiles that I see in anticipation of my departure, I know deep down that you are all in agony over the fact that I am leaving. But the reality of the situation is, unfortunately for all of you, I am never far away.

This opportunity has been a life changing experience. I want to thank everyone for all the help and guidance that you have provided me with during these last two summers. I have gained a plethora of insight and knowledge both inside and outside the professional realm. Each of you has touched me in different ways and I am appreciative of you all.

So as we go our separate ways and I embark on my journey through adulthood I want to leave all of you workaholics with a little piece of me to remember. The next time you are in the office late, your hands are aching from typing and you find your eyes getting weary from countless hours of staring at the computer screen just remember my personal motto:

Work hard but party harder (because even if you don’t you can be sure I will!)

Thanks again for so much more than just an internship. Thank you for this opportunity. Thank you for all of your positive influences and free meals (because no matter what, a girls gotta eat!) You all have inspired me to be a better person and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Metro Ride: $1.35
Breakfast at SoHo $20.00
Lunch at Potbelly's $3.79
Fritos from vending machine $ .70
Lesson learned while working with all of you:
PRICELESS!

See you in the future across the boardroom table!

Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong

2005-08-16T14:09:00.000-04:00

I read this on some horoscope/relationship website and I thought it was pretty interesting....

Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong?The key to knowing his intentions may be trusting your intuition.

A common story: Girl meets boy. Boy calls girl. Girl and boy go on date. They go on several dates and more than one time, boy says he likes girl… a lot.

Cut to: several weeks later. Boy hasn’t called girl. Girl is wondering if something is wrong with boy, herself and/or their “relationship”. The simple truth is that there is no “relationship”. What we women seem to sometimes forget in the throes of passion/emotion is that our instincts are there for a reason – so we can fall back on them! If you’re wondering if something is wrong, it probably is…

The best thing you can learn to do for yourself is learn to read the signs. Actions speak louder than words… regardless of if they’re what you want to hear or not!
Three signs he’s a keeper (and indicators he’s got to go!):

1. You’re on the right road if: He calls and/or emails you often (and you feel good about it, i.e., he’s not a stalker)! If you’re on his mind, you’ll know by the time he puts into wooing you. This doesn’t mean he should be contacting you 24/7 (you want a guy with his own life after all), it just means that you’ll feel how much he’s interested because his actions (picking up the phone/emailing even when he’s busy at work) tell you so.

Bonus behavior: He takes the time to get detailed about something little that amuses him or makes him happy. Telling you the things he saw on the run he took that morning or some silly procedure in his office that his boss takes really seriously may seem trivial when you’re thinking about getting serious, but it’s not. He’s sharing his perspective – offering you a piece of himself.

Clear the path for something else if: He doesn’t call you regularly (even if he tells you little details when he does get in touch). Not only does the disappearing act indicate that he doesn’t care, but it hurts. There is no such thing as “forgetting to call” in the early stages, and if you’re already well into a relationship and he’s not calling/coming around… well… remember that thing about actions? If he wanted to spend time with you, he would.

2. This guy has potential if: He asks about your day/week/plans/life… in short, YOU – and shows genuine interest in your response. If a guy is interested in a relationship, he’s going to ask questions and listen to your answers. Those answers will tell him if this is the right thing for him… and remember, you should be asking questions, too. This isn’t all about him liking you – it’s about you liking him, too!

Bonus behavior: The things you say come back in conversation at a later date.When you’re driving past the amazing restaurant you mentioned a few weeks ago and he asks if it’s the place you spoke about (and even better, suggests that you two go back together), it shows he was paying attention to what you said. That means he cares about knowing your likes so he can make you happy.

Ditch the dude if: It’s all about him, all the time.If you’re not of interest, then he’s not really interested in anything beyond a fling/hook up. Pure and simple. Move on.

3. Love may be on his mind if: He invites you to meet his family.It’s possible that you may meet his friends if he sees the two of you as a fling, but bringing you into the familial fold definitely means he’s expecting you to be around for a while.

Bonus behavior: He introduces you as his girlfriend or “(the girl/woman/person/one) I’ve been telling you about”.If he’s talking about you when you’re not around/preparing the introduction not only does it show he’s been thinking about you, but he’s been thinking about you as part of his life.

He’s just not into you if: You run into his friends/a family member and he doesn’t introduce you at all or breezes through a “yeah, this is so and so” then quickly changes the subject.No guy who is into you will make you feel insignificant enough to skip your name or act like you’re not standing there. If there’s no common courtesy, cut the cord.

I'm in Love!

2005-08-12T08:52:00.000-04:00

That's right I said it! I am in LOVE!

The audience yells:
Say what?!? Clueless say it isn't true!

Yes, you read it right I am in love. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face (okay, maybe just a smirk cuz you know I'm a grouch in the morning). And once I mustered up the energy to roll over and get my lazy butt out of bed I again smiled and shook my head, not in discontent but in disbelief. I went to sleep with love in my heart and woke up with love on my mind.

And it's not that ole puppy love and no it is not lust. It is that 'make ya feel good' love. That type of love that makes you feel complete. The love that last a lifetime. You know what I mean? I don't think you are feeling me. I'm talking about the kind of love that makes it easier to get through the day and even easier to sleep at night. This love ya'll isn't the typical everyday run of the mill love. It is that everlasting love, that no matter what happens I will always be able to fall back on my love. My love is accountable, respectable, responsible, and hot to boost (if I must say so myself). I'm in love with being in love and I never knew it could be this good. I mean you hear about this fantasy type of love that makes people go completely insane. But this isn't that kind of love. I am in love with a clear mind and an open heart which makes the possibilities of my love endless.

And through all the hustle and bustle of the morning, I made sure to grab a second to look the love of my life in the eyes (you know just to say I love you one more time before I headed out the door) and I realized that I was looking in the mirror and that this morning I woke up loving myself. Finally! Thank God for small blessings.

M.I.A: Where are You?

2005-08-11T15:40:00.000-04:00

Continuing on my path of self revelation, day by day I learn something new about myself (which is great but at the same time sometimes you run across the ‘not so good things’ about yourself). Anyways, each and everyday I approach as a new beginning and I try to learn from my mistakes, I try to take the past and use it as my stepping stone.

Okay I’m rambling, so anyways, it is so hilarious to me that when a guy is showering me with attention I’m not impressed and I kind of brush him off and sometimes it gets to be annoying and I wish he would just stop calling me. But as soon as he stops and I perceive that I am no longer a priority in his life that is the time where I crave his attention the most. It is like something E said to me on one of my post “People are like your shadow.... You walk and try to catch your shadow and it is always just out of your grasp... but turn around and walk the other way ... and your shadow will follow” This statement is extremely true. Am I the only one that feels this way?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know that it is ridiculous and it seems like I’m playing hard to get but in actuality that’s not it at all. I guess this post (like so many others) is inspired by something personal going on in m y life. But this is a reoccurring theme, I can not count how many times that a guy was really digging me and I was ‘just not that into him’, but as soon as he started to move on, my interest peaked and all of a sudden the tables are turned and I start to become ‘oh so interested in him.’

I guess this foolishness is about selfishness and wanting to have my cake and eat it too, but hey that is what the hell you do with cake, right?!? You eat it! Lol! Oh, well as the saga continues we’ll see what happens next.

Dating 101

2005-08-10T11:57:00.000-04:00

Dating 101

Is there a class called Dating 101? If so, where can I sign up. Who would be the professor of dating 101? What would be the prerequisite classes for Dating 101? Would there be an advanced Dating class for us serial daters out there? What about on-line dating 101? I don't know but if anyone out there has a self-help dating book or actually knows of a Dating 101 or its close equivalent holla at ya girl! lol!

Summer is coming to a close very quickly (probably quicker than I would like), and as I sit here in this horrid cubicle at this mundane internship I reflect on my summer and the men that have come and gone in the last couple of months. I guess I should say before I start that summer is peak dating season for me. I like to think of summer as my own personal equivalent of the NBA playoffs or sweeps week on primetime television. Summer time is where men come out of the wood works and all of a sudden my phone turns into the date hotline. Anyways, moving on. This summer has been full of constant disappointments. Its not like I’m sitting around waiting on Prince Charming to come sweep me off my feet…wait a minute, DAMN IT! I am waiting for Prince Charming to come and sweep me off my feet!

Where’s that one guy that gives you butterflies in your stomach when he calls, and can give you goose bumps just by the way he says your name. That man that makes you insanely happy, and by insane I mean you do dumb shit and don’t even realize or just don’t care because even though you know you’re being dumb he makes you so happy that you don’t care. Where oh where, is my prince charming. Lol!

Confessions of a Serial Dater

Okay, I have a confession, I am a serial dater. I'm one of those girls that dates just to date with no expectations of building anything more. I am one of those girls that loves to go out and meet new people, have a good time and the very next day move on to the next new and exciting guy. So I admit. I have had more than my fair share of dates, outings, and trips with a few guys this summer. All have failed to spark my interest (with the exception of one) but its always that one guy out of the bunch that you like that wants to give you the run around. But I’m done I tap out of the dating game. It’s to exhausting, trying to balance work, friends, and find time to date. And believe me I am not looking for Mr. Perfection because I know relationships are about loving an imperfect person perfectly.

But until I find him or better yet until my Prince charming finds me I’ll be here....waiting...waiting

Just waiting....If you find him or pass him on the street please tap him, no better yet tackle his ass and send him my way. Lol!

Check Yourself

2005-08-08T12:15:00.000-04:00

Ahhh....its back to the real world for me now....

Clueless is more than my idea of a clever blogger name, it seems to be a reoccuring state of mind for me. Seems like every time I think I have it all figured out, something happens, someone does something and my whole world is turned upside down again (okay so maybe I'm being a tad bit dramatic...but what else is new).

This weekend I had the privilege of attending one of the most life changing conferences I have ever been to in my 21 years. Although, unlike most participants I had a slight idea of what I was getting into. I mean this isn't your average everyday business conference. This is like an action packed 36 hour pep-rally boot camp (there's no other way to describe). There's lots of screaming, cheering, dancing, games, laughing, and in the midst of all the mayhem they actually squeeze in some networking opportunities, resume review, work shops, career building tips, diversity training, leadership guidance, and thousands of dollars in give-aways including two lap top computers, 6+ Ipods, and over $5,000 in scholarships. Wow! I know it sounds like a lot for just a two day conference, but it is all of that and so much more.

So what did I learn from this conference, besides that college students will do damn near anything for free gifts including but not limited to shamelessly dancing on stage in front of 300 strangers. Well, I learned a whole lot. I feel like I walked in the door one person and I came out the other end a whole new person.

The most inspirational portion of this amazing conference came from our keynote speaker V.P Parker (He's the bald guy at the bottom). He was energetic, well spoken, funny, and most of all he was REAL. He told it like it was, no sugar coating. The title of his presentation was 'Don't WAIT your turn, TAKE your turn.'

Anyways, this conference gave me a whole new outlook. A well needed reality check. A lot of times I think that I have it all figured out. I meet a guy and after one conversation I put him into one of three categories. There are the good guys with potential, the bad guys with potential, and the no.good.very.bad guys that I pray will lose my number. But I have realized that you can't judge a book by its cover and better yet you can't even judge a book by reading only the first couple of pages. This is a concept that many of us need to apply not just to our personal lives, but also into our day to day interactions both professional and personal. I'm sure just from reading this blog some people have already passed judgment on who I am and what type of person I am. But, watch out I just might surprise you.

Completely Misunderstood

2005-08-05T13:05:00.000-04:00

Feeling completely misunderstood today and I guess this kinda coincides with a previous post of mine about me not being 'bitter'. But anyways, before I start this entry I just want to put a few disclaimers out there. First off, I don't hate men...I just don't trust them because I know what they are capable of. Secondly, I am not an angry black woman, I am just a bitch, an outright tell.it.like.it.is, let.you.know.what's.on.my.mind bitch! Okay so enough with the disclaimers.

So this guy or these guys that I know have recently brought to my attention that I can come off mean, hard-core, too damn independent like I don't need help from nobody...And then (as if it was a sign from God) I read this post by Nai- entitled Reiterations. As I read her entry I was completely moved and I completely agree with her. Take a moment and read it......

Anyways, sometimes I too feel like standing on top of the nearest building and screaming at the top of my lungs...I AM A WOMAN! Okay, so I like sports, so what! I use to play basketball for a majority of my life, it would be insane for me not to love sports. So I don't like skirts and even better I hate high heels...who cares! First of all, I'm tall enough so adding an extra three inches at the sake of recurring back aches and feet pain is not necessarily my idea of a good time (and I'm sure if my feet could write they would send me a thank you note). I'm not emotional...but that does not mean that I don't have feelings. I rarely cry, I am known to curse like a sailor, I am independent, I know how to cook but don't (okay so I sorta know how to cook but even if I was chef-homegirl-ardee I still probably wouldn't cook), my idea of a comfortable outfit is t-shirt and jeans, and I was a tomboy growing up. My idea of a relationship is not where the man is "The man" and does manly things and the woman is expected to be a replica of Beyonce's "Cater to You." All of this and guess what, I am still a woman. I can think like a man, I can comprehend (although I don't understand) the male species rationale, but I grew up surrounded by older male cousins who treated me like one of the guys, so it's not my fault that I semi-know the ins and outs of the male brain (despite how demented the male brain may be).

Anyways, I'm rambling. Getting more to the point I just feel like no one understands where I am coming from, especially when it comes to men. And if you have ever been in a situation, whether personal or professional, where you feel like no one can relate to you or where your coming from....then maybe you can feel my pain. You know what? This topic is no longer blog worthy....I quit!

Do you like me? Check □Yes or □No

2005-08-04T12:08:00.000-04:00

Do you like me? Check □Yes or □No

What happen to the good ole’ days where things were simple? If I saw you on the playground and I thought your light up L.A.. Gears were fly I would send you a note via my best elementary school friend and ask you the oh so familiar question of

“Do you like me?”
Followed with explicit directions of:
Check □Yes or □No

Nowadays, this dating/relationship/lust/like/love situation is far more complex than my little 21 year old mind can handle. And with long distance relationships, clubbing, and internet dating (which I am still trying to understand why it is so taboo in the black community) the world of male/female interactions becomes even more multifaceted.

These days you have to have a background check, a credit report, and at least two personal references before you even exchange numbers.

And even when you do get involved with someone you have a million obstacles accompanied by a million what ifs to consider. And the older you get the less fun these things become. I remember being in middle school having a crush on some random boy and I would pick up the phone and dial the first 6 digits of his phone number….chicken out and hang up before dialing the last digit. Am I the only one that remembers writing your name and his name over and over in the back of your literature notebook just to see how your names looked together. Or do you remember playing MASH and trying to see who you would marry, whether or not you would live in a Mansion-Apartment-Shack or House (M.A.S.H get it? Ugh! Nevermind!) Anyways….Ahhhh, the good ole’ days where you knew a boy liked you a lot if he pulled your hair or teased you. These days trying to figure out a man and his emotions is like decoding a rubrics cube.

Forget this!! I’m taking it back to the old school and the next hot guy I see walking down the street I’m going to grab my pre-written note on my personalized stationary, put on my cutest flirty smile and hand it to him with the words “Do you like me? Check □Yes or □No”. Check back later to see how it goes. But for now I gotta go write up my first draft.

Good Apples vs. Bad Apples

2005-08-03T13:40:00.000-04:00

This is for all my ladies who have ever second guessed their worth. Who let men and the media define their appeal. For all my ladies with low self-esteem or low confidence. This is for any woman who has ever been dumped for a younger, prettier, or looser woman. This is for the women in the world that know what they are worth and are just waiting for the rest of the world to realize what they already know. This is for every woman out there that wakes up in the morning with a smile on her face, looks in the mirror, snaps her fingers and yells in her best ghetto diva voice 'Your hot shit girl!!'

And even though following is not an original quote (because I borrowed it from someone who borrowed it from someone who I am pretty sure probably borrowed it from someone else) This is a CLASSIC:

“Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they just grab the rotten apples that are on the ground, that aren't as good, but easy to get. So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing. That is why we just have to be a little patient and the right boy, the one who takes a chance to get a ladder and find the good, right apple will come someday.”

So the question for the all the ladies out there in the blog world is 'Are you a bad apple or a good one?'

And an even better question for the men in the world is 'Do you have what it takes to get a good apple or are you content to settle for the bad ones?'

I'm not Bitter! (At least I don't think I am)

2005-08-02T09:03:00.000-04:00

Dictionary.com defines bitter as:

1. Having or being a taste that is sharp, acrid, and unpleasant.

2. Proceeding from or exhibiting strong animosity: a bitter struggle

3. Resulting from or expressive of severe grief, anguish, or disappointment

4. Marked by resentment or cynicism

I'm not Bitter! (At least I don't think I am)

When did my reality slip into bitterness. When did my childhood innocence slam into adult cynicism? Where did my girlie pipe dreams disappear to and my angry womanhood emerge? Who was it, when was it, where was I when it happened, and how was it that I ended up here, inside this glass house throwing stones at men and refusing to forgive and determine not to forget? Is it at all possible that this bitter disposition of mine has come out of nowhere?

I mean realistically speaking, I have no love story to tell that has some horrible ending. My life hasn't been filled with heart break. Some people love hard but I don't, I lack the necessary compassion for it. Sure, I have been heart broken before (my first love told me he loved me once and never said it again and the sad part is that even on my most bitter days I still love this man but would never tell him that to his face....how's that for confusion and heart break?). I have loved many people, the way friends love, the way family loves, but I have never been in this great mythical tidal wave of love that I hear people talk about in books or on T.V.

I admit that I am far from an expert on relationships. But in the last week I have had two separate men in two separate situations ask why am I so bitter. But I''m not bitter, I swear! And not in the same words but with the same underlying concept, both have insinuated that I must have been hurt in the past...that it had to have been some man that has turned me into this hating angry black woman. But that's not me at all! I feel completely misunderstood!

There are multiple misconceptions here. First of all, I don't hate men (in fact I love them). From head to toe, I love the male species. There is just something in their swagger, in their voice, in their eyes, that can stop me dead in my tracks and send a chill up my spine. But the reality of my life is that I love them but don't trust them as far as I can throw them. I have no faith in a man's ability to effectively communicate. I don't believe that it is in their nature to be open, honest, or monogamous. There are not many bad things that any man can do these days that would surprise me.

So does that make me bitter? By the dictionary definition I guess it does, I am extremely disappointed and my personality is marked by resentment or cynicism when it comes to men. I guess my hard-ass act is getting old and I guess I'm learning something new about yourself everyday.

So how do I break out of this wall of resentment and let me guard down long enough to let a man inside? I guess the better question that I have to ask myself is if it is really true that it is better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all? Because right now there isn't a whole lot of loving going on in my world.

Opps!!!

2005-07-29T09:39:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: The oddest, most obscure, yet some how hilariously entertaining but still strange things happen to me in my life.

So picture this...

I'm in my new apartment trying on new outfits that I bought yesterday on my "Oh my God I hate the world and need a stress-relieving shopping trip before I kill someone." So there I am trying on this insanely comfortable gorgeous bra and all the halter tops that go with it. On the bottom I have on what I consider my "I would never leave the house in these because they are too short" shorts and my oh so reliable black fuzzy house slippers.

When all of a sudden I hear a knock on the door, but that can't be because I know I locked the gate when I came in the house and you can't get to the door without opening the gate, and you can't get in or out the gate without a key so logically (or not so logically) I assume that this knock had to have come from outside on the window. So in a semi-panic state of being interrupted during my own personal fashion show and hoping that this is the UPS man with my recently ordered replacement phone...I grab my keys and a shirt and rush to the door. Run to the door, shirt over my head but just around my neck, skimpy shorts, and furry house slippers, swing open the door and...EEEEeekkkkkkk!

It's my landlord and his friend and I DON'T HAVE MY SHIRT ON! So I scream, they sorta scream, I slam the door and proceed to PROPERLY put my shirt on. I guess what makes this so bad is that this is the first time I've met my landlord face to face because all other business deals have gone on either via phone or through the realtor. How embarrassed am I! I could have just crawled under a rock and died at that exact moment. And of course him being a man (a black man at that) he has to crack jokes ..."Oh let me go so you can get ready for your company"... "Humm....I see your taking full advantage of your roommate not being in town yet" Mister! Don't crack jokes when this could possibly be the most embarrassing moment of my life. I never want someone's first impression of me to be made in my draaawwss!

But the sad part is that's just my life. I guess this tops the story about the day I got attacked by a bird. Ha! That's another story for another day (I seem to have a lot of those).

On a brighter note I am in a better disposition than yesterday. There are some people in life that I just don't get along with and I have come to accept when personalities are just not compatible. Everybody you meet is not your future husband/wife, so if you run across someone who your not compatible with, why not cut your losses and move on. I just wish the rest of the world could grasp this concept and (as my grandma would say) learn to leave 'well enough' alone. But some people just don't get it! That's definitely going to be a post for another day when I am in a calmer mind set to elaborate.

No Comment

2005-07-28T12:03:00.000-04:00

I have a bad attitude today and I have decided that it might be better for me to spare you the wrath of my frustration. Check back tomorrow...maybe I'll feel better by then.

Right Person....Wrong Time

2005-07-27T10:48:00.000-04:00

Do you believe in meeting the right person at the wrong time?

There aren’t very many instances in my life where I could look back and say that...one because I try to live my life with no regrets...two because I don’t think I’ve met very many men who I would consider the ‘right’ one.

Awhile back, right after a bad split from the guy who I was ‘talking to’ (another long story for another day), I met this guy. Twenty four, student, tall, lean frame, cute, great personality, witty, sarcastic, not just funny but hilarious. We had a few conversations, shared a couple of laughs, and after awhile he invited me to come hang out with him. Well, at this point in my life I hated all things possessing a y-chromosome. My faith in men had been completely shattered, I had no trust in the male species, and if I never interacted with another man on a personal level I wouldn’t think twice about it (clearly, I got over that phase fast).

Anyways, to make a long story short, this guy eventually got tired of my constant excuses, the multiple times of me standing him up, not calling when I said I would and not answering when he called. So this affair was short lived, eventually he stopped calling and I never thought to call him (I just wasn't in the mood or in the right mind set). But every once in a while I think back and realize that no matter how great of guy he was, it was just at the wrong time. I had so much hate in my heart for men that I couldn’t open up emotionally to let someone get to know me or to get to know them.

They say if it was meant to be it will work itself. Maybe one day I’ll pass him on the street and he’ll glance in my direction, we’ll both do a double take, stop and rekindle the flame that never really ever gotten started. But until then I guess we’ll never know.

*Guess I'll see you next lifetiiimmmee....ooo...ooo*
One of my favorite songs by Eryka Badu

REALity vs DREAMality

2005-07-26T10:34:00.000-04:00

“I think you should stop trying to burst people’s bubble. You always think its your job to tell people the truth. You stick a mirror in their face. A lot of people don’t want to see themselves. Don’t you realize that the reality is too much for a whole lot of people to handle?”
Quote from Sistah Souljah’s ‘No Disrespect’

REALity vs DREAMality
(I know that’s not a real word but that’s what we’re going to go with for today)

Is reality too much for people to handle? Could this statement be true? When looking in the mirror would people rather close their eyes and imagine what they look like instead of opening their eyes, seeing and accepting the cold stark reality of who they really are?

I constantly find myself in this situation. I am infamous for sticking my foot in my mouth. Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time despite how valid my statements may be. My best friend tells me I’m “too damn opinionated” and I have determined that I am but at the same time if it is the truth, I'm not going to bite my tongie for the sake of keeping the peace. And I know that this will be my eventually downfall.

And on the other end of the spectrum, in a true Piscean nature, I find myself sometimes living in a dream world and avoiding the reality of situations (hence the ever continuing saga of ‘he’s just not that into).

I think women (myself included) have the hardest time accepting the truth about a man who they know is no good for them, wrong for them, undeserving of them, worthless, or just not THE ONE. It’s like trying to fit a round ball through a triangular hole. We want to make it work so bad, that we throw common sense out the window. All for what? For the sake of not being alone. Although I am an avid believer in the phrase “I can do bad by my damn self” I am not above doing the same thing. There has been many times where I have settled, turned my cheek and looked the other way when I knew that the man in my life needed to be removed. I am aware of my flaws and wear them proudly upon my sleeve. But I am rambling and getting off topic.

I guess in the end there is a fine line….but when does it become wrong to tell the truth? When is it no longer acceptable to face reality and instead turn a blind eye. When does reality seep away and ignorance become bliss?

Who are you?

2005-07-25T09:25:00.000-04:00

Who am I?

This classic question when looked upon seems quite simple. But when I take a deeper look and analyze it, it becomes this complex multi-dimensional question with an endless answer.

In the days of women suffrage, where women were speaking out and demanding equality, your gender defined who you were. In the days of civil rights, when blacks were boycotting buses and marching for absolute freedom, your race defined who you were. In your youth your age defined who you were...when I was a teenager and I epitomized all things 'teenage-like'. You build your appearance and your attitude around who you are or who you perceive yourself to be. When I moved to the East Coast I prided myself on being a West Coast chick. That's who I was and I embraced all things that reflected my hometown...chucks, Tupac, palm trees, blond hair (wheewww....I think those are days better forgotten), low-riders, and all other stereotypical things people think of when they hear the word 'California'. At my HBCU, you are what you join. Depending upon what your interest are, what you aspire to be, your affiliations, accomplishments and letters that you wear on your chest, all are defining components that factor into who you are. Everything from your religious beliefs to your political party affiliations all play a special part in who you are.

So using this as a definition who am I? I am a 21-year old female student Baptist democrat from the West Coast. But for some reason this definition of who I am just doesn't seem like enough. It does not satisfy my intellectual quest to define who I am.

I am a simply complex person, who loves sports but loves food even more, I hate to argue but I love to debate, I am a slight procrastinator. I love a challenge. I am hard-headed, strong-will, spoiled, and stubborn. I am friendly (most of the time), compassionate, giving, and supportive. I am out-spoken, and unfortunately my mouth leans toward being boisterous. I am love but I am not unfamiliar with hate. I am the woman every mother wants their son to marry and the best friend every father wants their daughter to have. I am highly motivated and determined. I am the slacker of the over achievers. I am me.

But with all of that but I want to be so much more. I want to be more patient and understanding. I want to live a healthier life style. I want to be smarter, wittier, funnier, and more charismatic. I want to be wealthy. I want to be a household name. I want to be aware. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better daughter. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better me. I want to make a difference.

So I guess the better question is not who are you, but who do you want to be?

Sick and Tired (Literally)

2005-07-22T15:17:00.000-04:00

*Ugghhhh......moaning...whining...and any other noises that accompany a person who is sick*

It's not my neck and my back like the infamous song by Khia but instead it is my neck and throat (lol..okay so it wasn't the best analogy but give me a break I'm sick!) Somehow, someway, somewhere I have contracted some virus that has attacked my throat and inflamed my tonsils resulting in fever, neck aches, and swollen glands in my throat (eewwww...yuck!) Doctor's diagnosis....."Well your strep and mono test both came back negative, we don't know what is, but I'm going to give you some antibiotics anyway" Geessshhhh! Thanks Doc! That was quite insightful (insert sarcasm here). So as I continue to drag my feet, moan in despair, and starve because my throat is so swollen I can't swallow therefore preventing me from eating....please be patient and I promise more entertaining blogging will continue soon.

Common Lyfe and the NOT so Fantastic Four

2005-07-20T09:13:00.000-04:00

Ahhhh.....*yawn*....man, I am tired. I think I got to work at a snails pace this morning. I had to crawl out of bed and drag myself to the office this morning.

Rewind: Last night
It's dark and I'm sweating. I'm rocking back and forth...hands over my head. My hearts pounding and my eyes are half way closed. I've been drinking so I'm not at full capacity, but that doesn't stop me. It's hot but that's only part of the reason why I am sweating. I'm yelling out.....moaning.....singing. It's like this for hours and even when its all said and done I want more.

Okay...okay...drag your mind from the gutter....where was I? What was I doing? I had the pleasure of going to a concert at a club last night featuring Lyfe Jennings (the genius of all things true in modern music) and Common Sense (an old-school king in his own right). Anyways, I had a blast. The club was packed, the music was live, the bottled water was free (always a plus!). But the best part about last night, I apologize to all musicians and DJ's, was not the music or the performances but the outfits. Black folk...black folk...black folk. At this point I don't know what's worst...the outfits I see bright and early Sunday mornings, walking past my pew, headed towards the collection plate or the get-ups I see at the club also known as the *dramatic pause.drum roll* In my best announcer voice: Iiiinnnntttrrrooodduucccinnnnngg The NOT so fantastic four!

Let me explain-the not so fantastic four is a group of ghetto super heroes that I have created inspired by different characters in the club. Each club night I pick four new members of the "NOT so Fantastic Four" Only the best of the worst get to be a part of this elite group.

Mr. NOT so Fantastic
Usually, this is a hard title to pass out because guys are usually low key and subtle with their club attire. But OH NO, not Mr. NOT so Fantastic from last night. All jokes aside I'll just describe his outfit. He had on what I assumed to be a linen suit-slacks and blazer-but upon closer inspection (which there was plenty of opportunity for because somewhere between Lyfe's 'Must be Nice' and commons freestyle interlude this man decides that I am the main attraction of the night and proceeds to continually harass me in attempts to MAKE me dance with him) anyways, his suit couldn't have been linen, it was some type of furry, shag-like material, that made my entire arm itch as he attempted to push up on me. Anyways, he paired his suit with a G-unit wife beater underneath (ugh! no explanation needed), a pair of sunglasses (which to me is a major No-No in the club, why wear them, NEWSFLASH: there is no sun in the club!) And to make his outfit complete he wore a matching Kango hat. To make a long story short he looked like an older version of Bobby Brown mixed with Gerald Levert going through a mid-life crisis.

Jr. Ms. NOT so Fantastic
Now this one was an obvious choice. One of those things that stands out and stays in your mind. This young woman had on a classic jeans and fancy t-shirt outfit accompanied by some flat shoes and a decorative belt, she was adorned in vintage jewelry and was doin' the damn thing. Until (pausing to take a deep breath*sighing while shaking head) she decides that she is going to be in full super hero mode and top her outfit off with what looked like a gold.sequence.glittery cape. Okay so it wasn't really a cape more so a cross between a poncho and a sweater. But regardless, it was shiny gold, sequence, and glittery all at once. As she breezed past me in the club with that oh so familiar 'bitch I know I look good' walk I had to look twice and make sure that it wasn't Wonder Woman brushing past me. The moral of the story, despite whatever super powers you possess, upgrading your cape to a gold sequence poncho is never a good idea.

I'm going to cut this short and give the NOT so Fantastic Four a good 'ole TO BE CONTINUED

Fast forward: This morning

So maybe he is just that into me.
After dragging myself to work...I begin my morning routine of checking emails and etc....I open my aol account and hear the infamous 'you've got mail'. I see I have an email from "him", I open it and read this:

Call girl

Every time I call it seems to fascinate me,
How this call girl continues to put a smile on me,
Her usual greeting on the phone starts with a Hola Senor,
We converse about anything from her work to my work,
From her play to my play and analogies that only we can understand,
Her laughs are brighten, beautiful and heightening ,
She is my equal, as I hope I am hers,Her voice soothes me when I'm mad,
Her word play gently wraps around my emotions when I am sad,
I tell my closet confidants about this mysterious girl, from my friend to my kin,
She is feels close to me,
But as irony once again plays a twisted fate, she is so far at hand,
And as when we hang up I wait again for the Call girl to ring again.

I mean sure he's no Edgar Allen Poe but it was sweet right? .........Whats a girl suppose to make of that?

She's a.....

2005-07-19T09:10:00.000-04:00

Dictionary.com defines a B*tch as:

A female canine animal, especially a dog. Offensive.

A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing. (I have decided that there is not enough days in a year to comment on that one)

A lewd woman.

A man considered to be weak or contemptible.

Slang. A complaint. Slang. Something very unpleasant or difficult.

But what is your definition of a b*tch.
On any given day someone eaves dropping (or ear hustlinÂ) on a conversation between me any of my friends will hear this word used in a plethora of different instances. It can be a nounÂdang my boss is a b*tchÂIt can be an adjectiveÂyeah girl he is a b*tch ass niggaÂ. It can be a verbÂ.He saw me in the morning and he caught me actin' real b*tchy....It can even be used as a term of endearmentÂ b*tch please, you already know you my dawg 4life...But what does it mean to you? I'm sure I could come up with some inventive acronym. I could even put a play on words and cone up with some ingenious contraction to counter all the negative stigmas that the word carries (Beautiful. Intelligent. Talented. Caring....blah blah blah). But actually, I take pride in being a b*tch and wear its slandered reputation proudly upon my chest as a big red scarlet B.

I hide behind it when I am angry. I use it as an excuse when I'm in a bad mood. I affectionately embrace the term when it is convenient and turn my back on it when used out of my own personal context. It is the punch line in some of my funniest jokes. It is my defense for bad behavior.

And I am fully aware of the double edged sword aspect of my self-proclaimed title. Men use it to degrade, women use it to insult, children use it to embarrass, rappers use it to sell records and vets usedescribeesrcibe an animal. But I am not interested in the worlds definition because I do not let the world define who I am or what words I use to describe myself.

Fellas don't get me wrong, by no means am I telling you to call me or any other woman, girl, or young lady in your life a b*tch. Because despite my self-proclaimed title and acceptance of the word...said in the wrong context on the wrong day...calling any woman a b*tch just might get you that ass whoopin' that you've been trying to avoid your whole life. And I do not condone the constant use of the word in music today...I recognize and do not agree with the fact that women are continually degraded in songs backed by catchy Neptune beats with fast tempos in new and innovative ways everyday (although some of my favorite songs use some of thderogatoryagotory language known to women....but when I'm in the club and the DJ throws on some 3-6-Mafia "Slob on my Knob"...David Banner "Like a Pimp"...some Trick Daddy "You don't know nair"....or any song by the infamously degrading Too Short...I'm the first one to jump up and belt out a good ole ghetto fabulous 'ohh girl dis my jam'...guess that reflects some of my immaturity...but that's another subject for another day.)

The word itself serves as a constant reminder of where I came from and where I want to be. Because whether or not your from the streets or pursuing the top exec seat, your still a broke b*tch or a successful bourgeois bitch but still a b*tch either way. And lets face it...I'd rather be a female dog then the tail end of a donkey any day (did you catch that one?)

What makes me a bitch? I am a b*tch because I tell it like it is. I am a b*tch for keeping it real. I am a b*tch because I'm not a pessimist or an optimist but a REAList. I am a b*tch when I tell my friend she is making the biggest mistake of her life and that she's a fool (despite how true the statement may be). I am abecausebecasue I believe in abortion, affirmative action and free health care but disagree with war, social security reform and anything else on Bush's political agenda. I am a bitch when I don't respond to the 'say girl....excuse me sexy....how you doin' slim...hey baby's' that I receive from random men while walking down the street.

I am a b*tch because I don't take no sh*t from no one. I am a b*tch when I say that I'd rather be alone than deal with some no good man and yell out the black woman's anthem of 'I can do bad by my damn self.' I am a b*tch for wanting more and refusing to let anyone or anything stop me from achieving my goals. I am a b*tch for having high standards and refusing to lower them for the sake of not being alone. I am a b*tch for never settling for less. I am a b*tch for being blunt and speaking my mind. I am a b*tch because I don't believe love is a justifiable excuse for stupidity or bad decisions. I am a b*tch because I would rather laugh than cry. I am a b*tch because I expect more out of people than they expect out of themselves. I am abecausebecasue I am who I am and won't change just to appease the general population and make friends or to keep the peace. I am a b*tch for believing that in life there are no accidents, no excuses, no do-overs, and no time for regrets.

So to all my fellow baddest b*tches, raise you right hand, middle finger extended to the masses, lift your head high in pride and be proud of what you are and know that you are not alone. And to all those non-b*tches out there....the next time you pass me on the street and see me affectionately slap my home-girl on the back and holler out a good ole' West Coast 'This bitch is hella crazy' ....don't take offense, don't scurry away and mumble under your breath about the youth these days and how we're single handedly causing the downhill progression of society. Instead smile in my direction and give me a head nod and I'll know internally your thinking "There goes that b*tch" and you'll mean it in a good way because although you may not agree or relate at least I'll know you understand.

Welcome to my World

2005-07-18T10:48:00.000-04:00

What does one put on their first blog entry? Do you introduce yourself….Hello, my name is...Do you describe yourself….I am a 5’8, dark skin, lean frame, African American 21 year old college student originally from California now residing on the East Coast…or do you just dive right in and start writing as if you’ve been blogging your whole life…so today on the train I sat and wondered … Well, unsure of exactly what to write on this first blog entry I think I’ll be content with just saying WELCOME.

Welcome to my world, welcome into my life, my thoughts, my dreams, my likes, my dislikes, and any other components/characteristics that make me who I am that may come out in my day to day entries. I was inspired to begin a blog of my own once I found myself hooked to reading other blogs. It began with a girl from my school who just so happen to be dating a guy that I just met (but that’s another story for another day). Then my interest expanded to a blogger who I stumbled upon because he made a comment on one of her entries. His name-Bruthacode-the genius of blogs. Each morning as I drag myself into the office of my internship and begin my morning routine of checking emails, returning voicemails, checking horoscopes and bank accounts, and catching up on the latest news I anxiously await the moment where I get to check his blog. I know each day he’s going to have something to satisfy my blogging intellect (if there is such a thing). And he never fails to entertain me, provide me with a laugh, or evoke my mental in some way. And if I don’t find his particular entry for the day too inspirational I just browse through his archives until I find something that satisfies my blogger appetite. One of his entries (entitled “My Take on R. Kelly Trapped in the Closet”) was so hilarious I had to forward it to all of my non-blogging friends, family, and associates. So here’s to you bruthacode….thanks for the inspiration.

So clearlyclueless is what I have chosen as my blog name because clearly that is what I must be. Each day someone or something never ceases to amaze me and show me that clearly I don’t know nearly as much as I thought I did the day before. For me each day is a learning experience (btw I lead a very dramatic life). ‘What’s love got to do with It’ is the title of my blog….I feel this is very self-explanatory and if you still don’t get the not so subtle title you soon will by reading my daily post as I journey through this thing I call life. So as I attempt to tackle my first blogging entry, I ask that you please bare with me through the good and the bad....

I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

He’s just not that into you…..and admit it your not that into him either. Despite the fact that these are the names of two very popular books, these sayings ring true in my ears day in and day out. And I guess that’s part of the reason I’m single now.

Story line: Girl meets guy, girl knows guy has sketchy history when it comes to females (known for leading them on, making promises he doesn’t intend to keep, breaking hearts and moving on under the pretense that ‘I didn’t know she liked me so much) Anyways, girl continues to talk to guy despite his flaws and despite the distance (four hours away…not unbearable but far enough to matter)…girl has now somewhat found herself attached and emotionally drawn to this B.A.N (bitch ass nigga…for those of you less informed on male-bashing terminology).

Anyways, fast forwarding to the present….I mean I get it….you can’t come see me (for reasons that are semi-understandable) no problem hun I completely understand….but you don’t want me to come see you (for reasons that are NOT soooo understandable)…I can take a hint ‘your just not that into me’.

So the question becomes, why is it that a guy I like is never as into me as I am into him? And why is it that the guys that I could care less about won’t leave me alone?!?! Where is that happy medium? Does it exist? Is there a such thing….in my world (not referring to others and how this might apply to their lives). Is there a situation where feelings are mutual, effort put out to make it work are 50-50, where catering isn’t considered catering because you both do it (and that whole Beyonce’s Child ‘cater to u’ bullshit is another topic for another day). Anyways, I’m confused….is there anyone out there with answers for me? Is there any boys that know how to make a girl feel good?