Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Rejection is direction
There I am...middle section, second row, fourth seat from the right. Dressed in my Sundays best even though it was the middle of the week. It was revival week and my favorite Bishop all the way from California was there. And I just knew he had a word for me on this mid-week mission. And it was there in that middle section, second row, in that fourth seat from the left that was the beginning of my end. So he starts preaching and I'm feeling it, he says "REJECTION is DIRECTION" and I'm like "Yeah!" he says, "Turn to your neighbor and tell them, if you aint the one God intended for me, reject me so I can move on!" and I'm feeling it, and I am shoutin amen, I am clapping, and pointing, yelling "you better preach it preacher! Reject me! Let me move on! Direct me lord!" and before that night was over, before I could forget about what I heard in that middle section, second row, sitting and shouting in that fourth seat from the left, before the last reminiscence of make-up was rubbed off my face that night and before my head could hit the pillow...I found myself involuntarily REJECTED and headed in a new direction.
I can still here his voice as the tears silently rolled down my face, "I love you but...part of me wants to be with you forever but I can't..." Those were his words and that was the day I will remember as I walk down the aisle, it is the day that I will recount to my baby girl the first time she comes crying to auntie about a broken heart. He was the one that I came so close to loving and he walked away from it all.
So the question becomes is rejection really direction, and if so where is it leading me to. In hindsight it is easy for me to say that I am grateful for those spiritual words spoken to me that night, and that I am even more grateful that God was swift and removed me from that situation. But that night, as I lay on my pillow with tears in my eyes, a broken heart, and pain that shook my soul, rejection was the last direction that I wanted to be headed down.
So now, here I am, over a year later at a new crossroads, me and one of my air force "friends" of at least 8 months whom I use to talk to more than twice a day aren't even on speaking terms, me and the poem writer are beyond reconciliation, my first love is off fighting a war that I don't believe in and I can't even get up the courage to write him an email of kind words afraid of who knows what, me and another random are slowly drifting apart, and my king is off seeking another queen.
But they say "rejection is direction," and a new direction has to be good...right? The grass has to be greener on that other side. It is here tonight where I find those same words haunting me, and looming over my shoulder. Yesterday, I sat in the first section, second to last row, 3rd seat from the right, and another preacher that has spoken many a kind and revealing word into my life said "you have to let things go, embrace sacrifice, give up some things that you know are not good for you but that you just don't want to let go. Give them all up and the Lord will bless you with more than your heart can desire." So as I lay here tonight, contemplating where I go from here I am reminded of that fateful revival and wonder what direction is this rejection going to push me in now....
